Confused

I don't know what to think. Or what I want. I seem to still be subconsciously TTC #2... Taking note of my cycle, watching for signs of ovulating. But not temping, or charting, or peeing on anything. Hubby announced he is happy to stop trying, that he is happy with just the one. He admitted he didn't know if he could cope with two. I kinda feel the same. I am struggling physically with bub, having a bad back, and now she is getting heavier it's getting harder. Hubby loves bub dearly but he's just not as hands on as I would like him to be. I don't know how I would cope physically with two. Or even another pregnancy. Yet yesterday he caught me rubbing/ cradling my boob and instantly smiled a sly wicked grin, announcing that I MUST be pregnant. Because that's what I did when I was pregnant before. He got excited about it. And I have to admit the thought of it made me smile. I'm CD30 but have an average cycle of anything between 29 and 35 these days. So I'll find out soon enough. I thought of buying a test but figured it was a waste of money... My period will come soon enough and then I'll know for free. I don't FEEL pregnant. I really don't think I am. So are we in denial about not trying for another? Or are we just trying to protect ourselves from the pain of trying each month and not getting anywhere? Or are we truly honestly happy to leave things as they are? I really don't know.

MIL

A few posts ago I promised to write about my MIL. Sometimes she drives me crazy, but we've never really had a falling out. She has fallen out with another of her DIL's and I get glimpses of her irrational petty hateful side. I am currently in the good books but can see hoe easily this could change. So far we've avoided it, mainly because I hate confrontation, and my hubby loves it so he takes her on which saves me!! The worst was when bubs was first born, and MIL came in the next morning (we allowed no visitors on the birth day!) with the FLU! To a neonatal ward! She was trying to hide it, and holding my baby. Somehow I came out of my fog enough to notice it (hubby was out playing cricket) and made my excuses that I needed to take her to the nursery for her feed and to get help from the midwife. Then hubby told her to stay away until she was better, and she got all upset accusing us of trying to keep her away. She couldn't understand we just didn't want the baby sick. So irrational. It's never been as bas as that again, but she has little digs occasionally, usually the complaint that she doesnt see us (bubs) enough, that my mum sees her more blah blah blah. They're actually away on holidays for 3 months at the moment so it's nice and peaceful, and I can even say I am missing her just a little. She truly loves my bub and at the end of the day she's not so bad. I am grateful that it's as good as it is. After reading the experiences of others here I realise it could be much much worse!

Time flies when you're not preggo

So I'm not pregnant. Have you ever noticed how time flies when your waiting to get pregnant? Well, sort of. That 2ww can be agonizingly slow but everything else seems to just fly by. We're gearing up toward ovulation time again, day 11 today. I'm hoping my body does all the right things like last cycle when I KNEW I was ovulating. Being pregnant was slow. Counting the weeks, seemed to take FOREVER to finally get my bundle of joy. I realised this week that this coming Monday bubs will have been outside my body as long as she was inside it! She will be 37 weeks and six days old. And that's how long she was gestating away inside. it kinda makes me all nostalgic and more positive about another pregnancy. My mind is shifting from the ambivalence and fear, to more positive and hopeful, and lately I've been able to visualize another little face, a boy, to join our family. Whether that will happen or not time will tell, but its something I have only just started to imagine.

Nearing the end of a 2ww

Im currently day 25 of my cycle, and pretty sure I o'd on day 15. Which puts me at 10 dpo.... I only realised a couple of days ago. Back around day 15 when I was certain that I was going to o sometime soon, I came out of the bathroom and announced to my husband " well if you want another child anytime soon you might want to do me today". Well he needed no further encouragement and as soon as the bub was in her cot he proceeded to business! He is very keen for the second. I am still a bit uncertain and fearful. Today I am fighting a sore throat and cough, and as the day has progressed I have been developing worsening nausea. Already Im paranoid and looking for pregnancy signs, trying not to grab my breasts in public! Sore nipples was always one of my earliest signs that I was pregnant. I don't know when I'll do a test. On a side note.......People seem to comment quite freely about the prospect of me having a second bub. Just this afternoon I was at the pharmacy buying formula and the assistant, after chatting to bub, cheerily bade me goodbye and "good luck with the second one". What's with that????? How does she know that this one is my only bub anyway????? Do I look pregnant already? (well I have been gaining some weight lately but that's more related to the crap I've been putting in my mouth!) Anyway.... Time will tell. I'll know this time next week I suppose!

Another FB pregnancy announcement

An acquaintance and her hubby have just made their big announcement on their Facebook pages. Firstly there was a pic of the positive test with their comments announcing it, then an hour later there was a timeline describing its current size... Raspberry... So now it's nickname is raspberry. Also due date included. Then an ultrasound pic. Then the hubby put it out there that he wants to know what pregnancy cravings ppl have had. Ans today they announced that he's reading what to expect. I'm really happy for these guys, really I am. But do I want a daily or hourly update on their pregnancy? Ummmm nope. If I did I'd find their blog and subscribe to it! Am I being a bitch??? As for me and my news... Obviously I'm not pregnant! But probably not so obviously I'm actually ok with that. I have my hands full with my little miss and I swear she's showing signs of hyperactivity!! Is it possible to see signs of that at 7 months of age? She is pretty full on, cute, busy, loud, happy and loads of fun. Her first tooth started cutting through this week. She loves her food. Doesn't love to sleep too much!! I've read a couple of posts this week from fellow bloggers about troubles with in-laws. Now THAT is a topic and a half. My MIL isn't too bad but there's definitely a few issues. So that will be the topic of my next post...

Back on the TTC merry-go-round

This morning I saw my doc about TTC #2. I just wanted to check with her if she thought I should go back on metformin, as I was on that when I was trying before. Well, it turned into a full pre conception check, and she's ordering loads of blood tests, advising folic acid, and recommending another mmr shot, and flu vaccine. Aaggghhhh!!!! I so don't want to get back on that TTC merry go round. I wish I could just wake up one day and oops! discover I'm six months preggo with a perfect baby. I wish TTC wasn't so stressful. I wish there was a guarantee. I am so blessed with my beautiful baby girl. She turns six months old tomorrow. My ob told me if I want a second, to start trying when she is six months. We're here already? I'm 43 now. I am so fulfilled with just her. I don't need another. But it would be nice, and would be so great for her to have a brother or sister. Am I tempting fate???? Or being greedy?

Ramblings of mothers day by a bad blogger

I've hardly been on here lately. We moved house.... 600km away. We went on holidays- 3 flights ( 2 were 4 hours, one was just over an hour). Bub did great on the plane and mostly slept until our very last descent which she loudly protested against! After the holiday we traipsed 600km back, to clean the house and pick up a last trailer load of belongings that didnt quite fit in the truck! We really need to get rid of some stuff. Now we are just settling in, trying to find a place for everything, and getting to know our new neighborhood. Mothers day was last Sunday, and I really tried to keep it together, but couldn't and she'd a tear or two a couple of times during the course of the day. I still get overwhelmed that I'm a mother. I find tears appearing when I am happiest- when bubs is giggling, and making the cutest sounds, and has me laughing too, and then I'm in tears. It's kinda embarrassing. But they're happy tears. Sunday was more nostalgic tears, grateful tears, and tears for others who haven't been blessed with their little miracle yet. I went to church, and as the newest mother was invited up the front to accept a rose. The minister(female) knows a little of what we have been through, and alluded to this as she congratulated me on becoming a mother... And SHE got quite emotional and teary, which was a bit catching, which once again is kinda embarrassing in front of a couple of hundred people. My mum was sick on mothers day, in hospital for a blood transfusion after her last round of chemo. We cancelled a family breakfast. She was really upset with the timing of her being unwell. For me, mothers day has always been about her. This year it's been strange that it's been about me too. I used to hate mothers day. Now I don't know what I think.