A squinter. Maybe?

Well today I an CD 30. And have an average cycle of 33 days. And today I just got too impatient and POAS. Now I wish I didn't! I can't really tell, possibly there's something there, but maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks on me. Surely if it was positive there'd be something to see by now? It brought back all the old feelings of trying for #1, our beautiful girl. So now I don't know what to do.... Pee on another one tomorrow? Or just wait for AF to show up. Probably cheaper to just wait lol!

I think I ovulated

Today... I'm pretty sure I ovulated. I'm not taking temps or doing any formal monitoring, it's just that I'm at day 15... And, well, The signs are there. And we are going to make an attempt (might be too late for this cycle) tonight! I know, I know, I said we weren't going to try anymore. But this train is kinda hard to get off. And it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.....and ignore the fears ..... and take a leap of faith. I've been reading some preggy blogs lately, and you guys are inspiring me! Wish me luck!!

No balance but very blessed

I meant to write for the PAIL monthly topic, and I'm not exactly sure but I think this might be a tad too late. Bub is now 11 months old and I have been back at work for about a month. And I am NOT COPING! I am working 4 days a week, and it is just too much. I might cope better with it if the job were more enjoyable, but it's not that great. But it does mean I have something else to talk about other than my gorgeous baby! And it does pay well, which is why I am there. Financially we cannot manage on just my husbands wage, and our debts especially credit card, are getting worse. I feel I am stuck in this situation for now. I miss bub so much when I am not with her. It feels as if some part of our bond is breaking. She shares her days between her two sets of grandparents, and her bond with them is growing which is sweet to see. But I miss her. I'm disorganized. I forget things. Like sending her lunch with her. Or her pram for the grandparents (they ended up buying their own in the end). I can't get dinner ready on time so for now we get meals delivered (it's supposed to be a weight loss program, but for us it's weight loss plus convenience). Christmas was great, but a blur of food, lots of people, stifling heat, juggling church, 3 meals in different locations, and hiding the fact that 3 good friends bought bub the same (very expensive) present. The best Christmas I've had in years, and I took hundreds of photos. My life is disorganized chaos, but this year I would have to say has been the best year ever, I've never laughed so much, or had such a full heart. So blessed.

Confused

I don't know what to think. Or what I want. I seem to still be subconsciously TTC #2... Taking note of my cycle, watching for signs of ovulating. But not temping, or charting, or peeing on anything. Hubby announced he is happy to stop trying, that he is happy with just the one. He admitted he didn't know if he could cope with two. I kinda feel the same. I am struggling physically with bub, having a bad back, and now she is getting heavier it's getting harder. Hubby loves bub dearly but he's just not as hands on as I would like him to be. I don't know how I would cope physically with two. Or even another pregnancy. Yet yesterday he caught me rubbing/ cradling my boob and instantly smiled a sly wicked grin, announcing that I MUST be pregnant. Because that's what I did when I was pregnant before. He got excited about it. And I have to admit the thought of it made me smile. I'm CD30 but have an average cycle of anything between 29 and 35 these days. So I'll find out soon enough. I thought of buying a test but figured it was a waste of money... My period will come soon enough and then I'll know for free. I don't FEEL pregnant. I really don't think I am. So are we in denial about not trying for another? Or are we just trying to protect ourselves from the pain of trying each month and not getting anywhere? Or are we truly honestly happy to leave things as they are? I really don't know.

MIL

A few posts ago I promised to write about my MIL. Sometimes she drives me crazy, but we've never really had a falling out. She has fallen out with another of her DIL's and I get glimpses of her irrational petty hateful side. I am currently in the good books but can see hoe easily this could change. So far we've avoided it, mainly because I hate confrontation, and my hubby loves it so he takes her on which saves me!! The worst was when bubs was first born, and MIL came in the next morning (we allowed no visitors on the birth day!) with the FLU! To a neonatal ward! She was trying to hide it, and holding my baby. Somehow I came out of my fog enough to notice it (hubby was out playing cricket) and made my excuses that I needed to take her to the nursery for her feed and to get help from the midwife. Then hubby told her to stay away until she was better, and she got all upset accusing us of trying to keep her away. She couldn't understand we just didn't want the baby sick. So irrational. It's never been as bas as that again, but she has little digs occasionally, usually the complaint that she doesnt see us (bubs) enough, that my mum sees her more blah blah blah. They're actually away on holidays for 3 months at the moment so it's nice and peaceful, and I can even say I am missing her just a little. She truly loves my bub and at the end of the day she's not so bad. I am grateful that it's as good as it is. After reading the experiences of others here I realise it could be much much worse!

Time flies when you're not preggo

So I'm not pregnant. Have you ever noticed how time flies when your waiting to get pregnant? Well, sort of. That 2ww can be agonizingly slow but everything else seems to just fly by. We're gearing up toward ovulation time again, day 11 today. I'm hoping my body does all the right things like last cycle when I KNEW I was ovulating. Being pregnant was slow. Counting the weeks, seemed to take FOREVER to finally get my bundle of joy. I realised this week that this coming Monday bubs will have been outside my body as long as she was inside it! She will be 37 weeks and six days old. And that's how long she was gestating away inside. it kinda makes me all nostalgic and more positive about another pregnancy. My mind is shifting from the ambivalence and fear, to more positive and hopeful, and lately I've been able to visualize another little face, a boy, to join our family. Whether that will happen or not time will tell, but its something I have only just started to imagine.

Nearing the end of a 2ww

Im currently day 25 of my cycle, and pretty sure I o'd on day 15. Which puts me at 10 dpo.... I only realised a couple of days ago. Back around day 15 when I was certain that I was going to o sometime soon, I came out of the bathroom and announced to my husband " well if you want another child anytime soon you might want to do me today". Well he needed no further encouragement and as soon as the bub was in her cot he proceeded to business! He is very keen for the second. I am still a bit uncertain and fearful. Today I am fighting a sore throat and cough, and as the day has progressed I have been developing worsening nausea. Already Im paranoid and looking for pregnancy signs, trying not to grab my breasts in public! Sore nipples was always one of my earliest signs that I was pregnant. I don't know when I'll do a test. On a side note.......People seem to comment quite freely about the prospect of me having a second bub. Just this afternoon I was at the pharmacy buying formula and the assistant, after chatting to bub, cheerily bade me goodbye and "good luck with the second one". What's with that????? How does she know that this one is my only bub anyway????? Do I look pregnant already? (well I have been gaining some weight lately but that's more related to the crap I've been putting in my mouth!) Anyway.... Time will tell. I'll know this time next week I suppose!