No balance but very blessed

I meant to write for the PAIL monthly topic, and I'm not exactly sure but I think this might be a tad too late. Bub is now 11 months old and I have been back at work for about a month. And I am NOT COPING! I am working 4 days a week, and it is just too much. I might cope better with it if the job were more enjoyable, but it's not that great. But it does mean I have something else to talk about other than my gorgeous baby! And it does pay well, which is why I am there. Financially we cannot manage on just my husbands wage, and our debts especially credit card, are getting worse. I feel I am stuck in this situation for now. I miss bub so much when I am not with her. It feels as if some part of our bond is breaking. She shares her days between her two sets of grandparents, and her bond with them is growing which is sweet to see. But I miss her. I'm disorganized. I forget things. Like sending her lunch with her. Or her pram for the grandparents (they ended up buying their own in the end). I can't get dinner ready on time so for now we get meals delivered (it's supposed to be a weight loss program, but for us it's weight loss plus convenience). Christmas was great, but a blur of food, lots of people, stifling heat, juggling church, 3 meals in different locations, and hiding the fact that 3 good friends bought bub the same (very expensive) present. The best Christmas I've had in years, and I took hundreds of photos. My life is disorganized chaos, but this year I would have to say has been the best year ever, I've never laughed so much, or had such a full heart. So blessed.

Confused

I don't know what to think. Or what I want. I seem to still be subconsciously TTC #2... Taking note of my cycle, watching for signs of ovulating. But not temping, or charting, or peeing on anything. Hubby announced he is happy to stop trying, that he is happy with just the one. He admitted he didn't know if he could cope with two. I kinda feel the same. I am struggling physically with bub, having a bad back, and now she is getting heavier it's getting harder. Hubby loves bub dearly but he's just not as hands on as I would like him to be. I don't know how I would cope physically with two. Or even another pregnancy. Yet yesterday he caught me rubbing/ cradling my boob and instantly smiled a sly wicked grin, announcing that I MUST be pregnant. Because that's what I did when I was pregnant before. He got excited about it. And I have to admit the thought of it made me smile. I'm CD30 but have an average cycle of anything between 29 and 35 these days. So I'll find out soon enough. I thought of buying a test but figured it was a waste of money... My period will come soon enough and then I'll know for free. I don't FEEL pregnant. I really don't think I am. So are we in denial about not trying for another? Or are we just trying to protect ourselves from the pain of trying each month and not getting anywhere? Or are we truly honestly happy to leave things as they are? I really don't know.

MIL

A few posts ago I promised to write about my MIL. Sometimes she drives me crazy, but we've never really had a falling out. She has fallen out with another of her DIL's and I get glimpses of her irrational petty hateful side. I am currently in the good books but can see hoe easily this could change. So far we've avoided it, mainly because I hate confrontation, and my hubby loves it so he takes her on which saves me!! The worst was when bubs was first born, and MIL came in the next morning (we allowed no visitors on the birth day!) with the FLU! To a neonatal ward! She was trying to hide it, and holding my baby. Somehow I came out of my fog enough to notice it (hubby was out playing cricket) and made my excuses that I needed to take her to the nursery for her feed and to get help from the midwife. Then hubby told her to stay away until she was better, and she got all upset accusing us of trying to keep her away. She couldn't understand we just didn't want the baby sick. So irrational. It's never been as bas as that again, but she has little digs occasionally, usually the complaint that she doesnt see us (bubs) enough, that my mum sees her more blah blah blah. They're actually away on holidays for 3 months at the moment so it's nice and peaceful, and I can even say I am missing her just a little. She truly loves my bub and at the end of the day she's not so bad. I am grateful that it's as good as it is. After reading the experiences of others here I realise it could be much much worse!

Time flies when you're not preggo

So I'm not pregnant. Have you ever noticed how time flies when your waiting to get pregnant? Well, sort of. That 2ww can be agonizingly slow but everything else seems to just fly by. We're gearing up toward ovulation time again, day 11 today. I'm hoping my body does all the right things like last cycle when I KNEW I was ovulating. Being pregnant was slow. Counting the weeks, seemed to take FOREVER to finally get my bundle of joy. I realised this week that this coming Monday bubs will have been outside my body as long as she was inside it! She will be 37 weeks and six days old. And that's how long she was gestating away inside. it kinda makes me all nostalgic and more positive about another pregnancy. My mind is shifting from the ambivalence and fear, to more positive and hopeful, and lately I've been able to visualize another little face, a boy, to join our family. Whether that will happen or not time will tell, but its something I have only just started to imagine.

Nearing the end of a 2ww

Im currently day 25 of my cycle, and pretty sure I o'd on day 15. Which puts me at 10 dpo.... I only realised a couple of days ago. Back around day 15 when I was certain that I was going to o sometime soon, I came out of the bathroom and announced to my husband " well if you want another child anytime soon you might want to do me today". Well he needed no further encouragement and as soon as the bub was in her cot he proceeded to business! He is very keen for the second. I am still a bit uncertain and fearful. Today I am fighting a sore throat and cough, and as the day has progressed I have been developing worsening nausea. Already Im paranoid and looking for pregnancy signs, trying not to grab my breasts in public! Sore nipples was always one of my earliest signs that I was pregnant. I don't know when I'll do a test. On a side note.......People seem to comment quite freely about the prospect of me having a second bub. Just this afternoon I was at the pharmacy buying formula and the assistant, after chatting to bub, cheerily bade me goodbye and "good luck with the second one". What's with that????? How does she know that this one is my only bub anyway????? Do I look pregnant already? (well I have been gaining some weight lately but that's more related to the crap I've been putting in my mouth!) Anyway.... Time will tell. I'll know this time next week I suppose!

Another FB pregnancy announcement

An acquaintance and her hubby have just made their big announcement on their Facebook pages. Firstly there was a pic of the positive test with their comments announcing it, then an hour later there was a timeline describing its current size... Raspberry... So now it's nickname is raspberry. Also due date included. Then an ultrasound pic. Then the hubby put it out there that he wants to know what pregnancy cravings ppl have had. Ans today they announced that he's reading what to expect. I'm really happy for these guys, really I am. But do I want a daily or hourly update on their pregnancy? Ummmm nope. If I did I'd find their blog and subscribe to it! Am I being a bitch??? As for me and my news... Obviously I'm not pregnant! But probably not so obviously I'm actually ok with that. I have my hands full with my little miss and I swear she's showing signs of hyperactivity!! Is it possible to see signs of that at 7 months of age? She is pretty full on, cute, busy, loud, happy and loads of fun. Her first tooth started cutting through this week. She loves her food. Doesn't love to sleep too much!! I've read a couple of posts this week from fellow bloggers about troubles with in-laws. Now THAT is a topic and a half. My MIL isn't too bad but there's definitely a few issues. So that will be the topic of my next post...

Back on the TTC merry-go-round

This morning I saw my doc about TTC #2. I just wanted to check with her if she thought I should go back on metformin, as I was on that when I was trying before. Well, it turned into a full pre conception check, and she's ordering loads of blood tests, advising folic acid, and recommending another mmr shot, and flu vaccine. Aaggghhhh!!!! I so don't want to get back on that TTC merry go round. I wish I could just wake up one day and oops! discover I'm six months preggo with a perfect baby. I wish TTC wasn't so stressful. I wish there was a guarantee. I am so blessed with my beautiful baby girl. She turns six months old tomorrow. My ob told me if I want a second, to start trying when she is six months. We're here already? I'm 43 now. I am so fulfilled with just her. I don't need another. But it would be nice, and would be so great for her to have a brother or sister. Am I tempting fate???? Or being greedy?

Ramblings of mothers day by a bad blogger

I've hardly been on here lately. We moved house.... 600km away. We went on holidays- 3 flights ( 2 were 4 hours, one was just over an hour). Bub did great on the plane and mostly slept until our very last descent which she loudly protested against! After the holiday we traipsed 600km back, to clean the house and pick up a last trailer load of belongings that didnt quite fit in the truck! We really need to get rid of some stuff. Now we are just settling in, trying to find a place for everything, and getting to know our new neighborhood. Mothers day was last Sunday, and I really tried to keep it together, but couldn't and she'd a tear or two a couple of times during the course of the day. I still get overwhelmed that I'm a mother. I find tears appearing when I am happiest- when bubs is giggling, and making the cutest sounds, and has me laughing too, and then I'm in tears. It's kinda embarrassing. But they're happy tears. Sunday was more nostalgic tears, grateful tears, and tears for others who haven't been blessed with their little miracle yet. I went to church, and as the newest mother was invited up the front to accept a rose. The minister(female) knows a little of what we have been through, and alluded to this as she congratulated me on becoming a mother... And SHE got quite emotional and teary, which was a bit catching, which once again is kinda embarrassing in front of a couple of hundred people. My mum was sick on mothers day, in hospital for a blood transfusion after her last round of chemo. We cancelled a family breakfast. She was really upset with the timing of her being unwell. For me, mothers day has always been about her. This year it's been strange that it's been about me too. I used to hate mothers day. Now I don't know what I think.

Really annoying fb update

Some things make my blood boil, and a particular facebook update my hubby pointed out to me tonight is one of them!

An acquaintance of ours posted how annoyed she is at the cost of obstetric ultrasounds. WHAT???????????

This follows her pregnancy announcement a few weeks ago when she was 5 weeks along. Omg I could just..... Strangle her. I feel like yelling ( or posting back at her which I won't ) DO YOU REALISE HOW F'N LUCKY YOU ARE JUST TO BE PREGNANT SO EASILY???? She only went off the pill a month earlier. I actually saw her a few days after her announcement and held the congratulatory discussion complete with analysis of her little twinges of morning sickness.

It grates me and hubby just a little more that it's this particular couple... They married a week after us. They have a son, the same age as our first child *would* have been.

And now she's complaining about the cost of ultrasounds :-/

The conception story

I've been thinking a bit lately on how our bub got here.... A year ago I had no idea she would be here with us. How things can change in a year!

But going back to the beginning....I never seemed to have too much difficulty getting pregnant. We got married August 2009, and "tried" for a few months,but nothing happened. My idea of trying then was to be off contraception, and having sex somewhere in the middle of my cycle. I didn't know if I was ovulating or not, and had an old diagnosis of PCOS which I hadn't had investigated very much. I really didn't think we would have kids.

Then in January 2010 (after 4 unsuccessful cycles) I charted for the first time. I had a perfect triphasic chart, with very obvious ovulation on CD 18, and a BFP on CD 30. I was stunned! It looked great. But at our first ultrasound there was no heartbeat and after taking misoprostol it ended.

I had 2 more pregnancies that year, which ended early. I'm pretty impressed that being in my 40s I was managing to get pregnant at all. We were advised to try IVF but I didn't really want to do that, but agreed to clomid in an attempt to ovulate earlier in the cycle. I did that in March last year, but no success. We couldn't do it the following cycle as we were going away on holidays to a remote location, and I didn't want to risk needing medical attention.

So we went on a TTC break, our first for almost 18 months (but kept taking metformin and prenatal vitamins). I stopped charting my cycle, had a few alcoholic drinks, and coffees (after abstaining for the last year) Went on a great holiday where I didn't have time to think about TTC, had fun, relaxed... And yes you guessed it, I came home PREGNANT. I am such a cliche!

AND it was no mean feat since it was an adventure/fund raising bush camping event with 400 other people and we only had a net tent that we shared with a friend. So we did the deed ONCE on the way there, when it rained buckets and we stayed at a friends place and had a bed.... Comfort and privacy! I still can't bring myself to tell my friend that without her kind hospitality, I would probably still be childless! One time, out of the whole 5 week trip. I still am amazed that this has happened, its gotta be some kind of a miracle.

After we were back home, my period was late, so I peed on a stick and literally couldn't believe my eyes at the result! Eight paranoid stress filled months later, after a relatively smooth pregnancy (besides having pelvic separation, and borderline blood pressure issues) and a "fun day" in the delivery ward (in the words of my fav midwife!) our miracle dream girl arrived. That day is for another post....

Immunization day!

This morning bub had her immunisations and I think she was much braver than me! I have this phobia, I think I mentioned before, of reactions after taking medication, so after taking anything I sit there self monitoring for any signs of allergy!

I am all for immunisations. In fact, that is one important area in my (pre baby) work- I work in public health. I see what happens to those who are not immunized, and am grateful for our free immunisation program which some other countries don't have, where babies die from diseases they shouldn't be catching. Part of my job was trying to prevent outbreaks of disease in our region, and I was forever frustrated by people who didn't believe in immunisation. No offense if you don't believe in immunisation, but when you do your 'research' please make sure it comes from a credible source!

So with this in mind, we braved my old workplace, not for a social visit, but for 'business', and the person who is covering my job gave bub her needles. She only cried for a second, and then it was as if nothing happened! That's my brave girl!

Picking godparents

We are planning bubs "dedication" which is our churches equivalent of a christening. Basically we have a short segment within the main church service where we acknowledge our beautiful gift from God, and dedicate her back to him, as a child of His, and dedicate ourselves to bringing her up well.

Not everyone chooses godparents but we wanted to. We chose a couple with 9 year old twins. These 2 individuals are amazing people, and have supported us and said all the right things throughout our battle to have a baby. They cried with us when we announced pregnancies (they were among the few friends we told) and cried with us and for us when we lost them.

My hubby asked them yesterday if they would be godparents, and broke down crying when he asked. Then they were crying, and I was crying, and we must have looked a bit silly, all four of us standing there smiling and crying!

So what made them so understanding of our ttc battle??? Well their twin boys are the result of their 13th try at IVF! Yep 13th. What more can I say?!

A second baby?

It's kinda ironic that after trying to get pregnant from the moment we were married, I am now on birth control.
I keep forgetting to take it at the right time, so have set an alarm on my phone.

Everyone keeps asking me if we are going to have a second baby.

Yeah right, not a problem, I'll just pop another one out in a year or so shall I?
I never know what to say in answer really.
Yes we'd like another, but hey, I turn 43 next month. If you add a few months of "waiting" like my obs told me to ensure a strong caesarian scar, and then fell preggo straight away, I figure I'd be turning 44 when the next one would be due. And that's in a perfect world where I conceive straight away and have no miscarriages.

Is that even possible?????

I love my girl, she is enough, and i don't need another baby to keep me happy. I don't know how I'd even cope with a toddler and a newborn!!!!! (I take my hat off to all the mums out there with more than one child)
But I think she needs and deserves a brother or sister. Someone to hang out with and play with that's more exciting than boring old mum and dad. She has cousins, and will make friends but a brother or sister are there ALL THE TIME.
And of course I would dearly love a second child too if there happened to be one.
I just don't know if I have the mental (and probably physical) strength to deal with getting there.... Monitoring ovulation, 2 week waits, hoping for that BFP and then waiting waiting waiting for each milestone.... A heartbeat, a healthy 12 week scan, a healthy 20 week scan, a live baby at the end.... You know the drill.

So for now I've told hubby we will let nature take its course.... After about June or July I will stop contraception and "see what happens"

Pregnancy innocence lost

Apprarently it takes about 6 months for the "average" couple somewhere in their 20s to conceive. Being close to 40, I assumed I'd missed the boat on motherhood... plus in a previous 2yr relationship in my 30s I never got pregnant. So I figured something was wrong somewhere. Not that we were trying. I'd discussed that with the hubby to be, and although he was very keen to have kids he assured me that if we didn't have any he would be ok and the 2 of us would be our own little family. Sweet.

Imagine our surprise when I got a BFP just 5 cycles after our wedding! We beat the average couple. I was so shocked, and actually afraid. I think i had kinda accepted that kids were not going to be part of my life. I have a huge fear of pregnancy, delivery and all things medical so being pregnant scared me- I knew this baby was going to have to come out sooner or later! I just didn't expect it to be sooner.
I knew there were risks, so didn't want to tell anyone too early but hubby was so excited and we ended up telling just family. Long story short, when we went for our ultrasound and there was no heartbeat I was just shellshocked. I was so devastated, but I have to admit that when it was all over a small part of me was secretly relieved as well! Thats how fearful I am of delivering a baby!!!!

Fertiles have this innocence that us infertiles have all lost. That excitement on seeing a BFP... We don't get to experience that anymore. We talk about 'if' the baby is born, not when.

I didnt get excited about my 4th BFP which gave me my beautiful live baby girl. I saw the 2 lines and my response: "you've got to be f'n joking, how did that happen? Here we go again" and resigned myself to waiting for the miscarriage, the missing heartbeat, the inevitable bleeding.
And that sucks.

Only thing is.... All that didn't happen for the 4th time. I got a miracle instead.

The hubby

Soooo we caught up... Then again a few days later... And then a third time just a couple of days after that. I was totally not looking for a relationship. They say you find love when you're not looking - I am such a cliche! After a month we were engaged (a few days after my 40th birthday) and then we got married 4 months after that.
Our wedding was in August 2009 and that was pretty much when we started ttc. Kinda ironic that we waited to do the wild thing until after the wedding (yeh, old fashioned I know.... Considering we were both far from virginal). I was terrified of conceiving before the wedding! Little did I know of the trouble that awaited us...

Time to stop lurking

Ive lurked for way too long. I've had writers block when it comes to blogging. And Although I follow many, I've been to afraid to comment since I haven't had a blog. But I avidly read, rejoice In bfp's, cry at losses and hope and pray for everyone to get their take home baby. All the while, not expecting I would get mine! But more on that later. I dont really know where I fit in the blogging community... Infertility? Parenting? Or somewhere in between. It doesn't really matter- I am going to be writing for ME. I don't know if I'll have any followers. Anyway, my blog story starts about 3 years ago, when I was 39, single and so over trouble making men. But for some reason i agreed to "catch up" with an old acquaintance that i had reconnected with on face book. Hmmmm fb has a lot to answer for!!