The conception story

I've been thinking a bit lately on how our bub got here.... A year ago I had no idea she would be here with us. How things can change in a year!

But going back to the beginning....I never seemed to have too much difficulty getting pregnant. We got married August 2009, and "tried" for a few months,but nothing happened. My idea of trying then was to be off contraception, and having sex somewhere in the middle of my cycle. I didn't know if I was ovulating or not, and had an old diagnosis of PCOS which I hadn't had investigated very much. I really didn't think we would have kids.

Then in January 2010 (after 4 unsuccessful cycles) I charted for the first time. I had a perfect triphasic chart, with very obvious ovulation on CD 18, and a BFP on CD 30. I was stunned! It looked great. But at our first ultrasound there was no heartbeat and after taking misoprostol it ended.

I had 2 more pregnancies that year, which ended early. I'm pretty impressed that being in my 40s I was managing to get pregnant at all. We were advised to try IVF but I didn't really want to do that, but agreed to clomid in an attempt to ovulate earlier in the cycle. I did that in March last year, but no success. We couldn't do it the following cycle as we were going away on holidays to a remote location, and I didn't want to risk needing medical attention.

So we went on a TTC break, our first for almost 18 months (but kept taking metformin and prenatal vitamins). I stopped charting my cycle, had a few alcoholic drinks, and coffees (after abstaining for the last year) Went on a great holiday where I didn't have time to think about TTC, had fun, relaxed... And yes you guessed it, I came home PREGNANT. I am such a cliche!

AND it was no mean feat since it was an adventure/fund raising bush camping event with 400 other people and we only had a net tent that we shared with a friend. So we did the deed ONCE on the way there, when it rained buckets and we stayed at a friends place and had a bed.... Comfort and privacy! I still can't bring myself to tell my friend that without her kind hospitality, I would probably still be childless! One time, out of the whole 5 week trip. I still am amazed that this has happened, its gotta be some kind of a miracle.

After we were back home, my period was late, so I peed on a stick and literally couldn't believe my eyes at the result! Eight paranoid stress filled months later, after a relatively smooth pregnancy (besides having pelvic separation, and borderline blood pressure issues) and a "fun day" in the delivery ward (in the words of my fav midwife!) our miracle dream girl arrived. That day is for another post....

Immunization day!

This morning bub had her immunisations and I think she was much braver than me! I have this phobia, I think I mentioned before, of reactions after taking medication, so after taking anything I sit there self monitoring for any signs of allergy!

I am all for immunisations. In fact, that is one important area in my (pre baby) work- I work in public health. I see what happens to those who are not immunized, and am grateful for our free immunisation program which some other countries don't have, where babies die from diseases they shouldn't be catching. Part of my job was trying to prevent outbreaks of disease in our region, and I was forever frustrated by people who didn't believe in immunisation. No offense if you don't believe in immunisation, but when you do your 'research' please make sure it comes from a credible source!

So with this in mind, we braved my old workplace, not for a social visit, but for 'business', and the person who is covering my job gave bub her needles. She only cried for a second, and then it was as if nothing happened! That's my brave girl!

Picking godparents

We are planning bubs "dedication" which is our churches equivalent of a christening. Basically we have a short segment within the main church service where we acknowledge our beautiful gift from God, and dedicate her back to him, as a child of His, and dedicate ourselves to bringing her up well.

Not everyone chooses godparents but we wanted to. We chose a couple with 9 year old twins. These 2 individuals are amazing people, and have supported us and said all the right things throughout our battle to have a baby. They cried with us when we announced pregnancies (they were among the few friends we told) and cried with us and for us when we lost them.

My hubby asked them yesterday if they would be godparents, and broke down crying when he asked. Then they were crying, and I was crying, and we must have looked a bit silly, all four of us standing there smiling and crying!

So what made them so understanding of our ttc battle??? Well their twin boys are the result of their 13th try at IVF! Yep 13th. What more can I say?!

A second baby?

It's kinda ironic that after trying to get pregnant from the moment we were married, I am now on birth control.
I keep forgetting to take it at the right time, so have set an alarm on my phone.

Everyone keeps asking me if we are going to have a second baby.

Yeah right, not a problem, I'll just pop another one out in a year or so shall I?
I never know what to say in answer really.
Yes we'd like another, but hey, I turn 43 next month. If you add a few months of "waiting" like my obs told me to ensure a strong caesarian scar, and then fell preggo straight away, I figure I'd be turning 44 when the next one would be due. And that's in a perfect world where I conceive straight away and have no miscarriages.

Is that even possible?????

I love my girl, she is enough, and i don't need another baby to keep me happy. I don't know how I'd even cope with a toddler and a newborn!!!!! (I take my hat off to all the mums out there with more than one child)
But I think she needs and deserves a brother or sister. Someone to hang out with and play with that's more exciting than boring old mum and dad. She has cousins, and will make friends but a brother or sister are there ALL THE TIME.
And of course I would dearly love a second child too if there happened to be one.
I just don't know if I have the mental (and probably physical) strength to deal with getting there.... Monitoring ovulation, 2 week waits, hoping for that BFP and then waiting waiting waiting for each milestone.... A heartbeat, a healthy 12 week scan, a healthy 20 week scan, a live baby at the end.... You know the drill.

So for now I've told hubby we will let nature take its course.... After about June or July I will stop contraception and "see what happens"

Pregnancy innocence lost

Apprarently it takes about 6 months for the "average" couple somewhere in their 20s to conceive. Being close to 40, I assumed I'd missed the boat on motherhood... plus in a previous 2yr relationship in my 30s I never got pregnant. So I figured something was wrong somewhere. Not that we were trying. I'd discussed that with the hubby to be, and although he was very keen to have kids he assured me that if we didn't have any he would be ok and the 2 of us would be our own little family. Sweet.

Imagine our surprise when I got a BFP just 5 cycles after our wedding! We beat the average couple. I was so shocked, and actually afraid. I think i had kinda accepted that kids were not going to be part of my life. I have a huge fear of pregnancy, delivery and all things medical so being pregnant scared me- I knew this baby was going to have to come out sooner or later! I just didn't expect it to be sooner.
I knew there were risks, so didn't want to tell anyone too early but hubby was so excited and we ended up telling just family. Long story short, when we went for our ultrasound and there was no heartbeat I was just shellshocked. I was so devastated, but I have to admit that when it was all over a small part of me was secretly relieved as well! Thats how fearful I am of delivering a baby!!!!

Fertiles have this innocence that us infertiles have all lost. That excitement on seeing a BFP... We don't get to experience that anymore. We talk about 'if' the baby is born, not when.

I didnt get excited about my 4th BFP which gave me my beautiful live baby girl. I saw the 2 lines and my response: "you've got to be f'n joking, how did that happen? Here we go again" and resigned myself to waiting for the miscarriage, the missing heartbeat, the inevitable bleeding.
And that sucks.

Only thing is.... All that didn't happen for the 4th time. I got a miracle instead.