Pregnancy innocence lost

Apprarently it takes about 6 months for the "average" couple somewhere in their 20s to conceive. Being close to 40, I assumed I'd missed the boat on motherhood... plus in a previous 2yr relationship in my 30s I never got pregnant. So I figured something was wrong somewhere. Not that we were trying. I'd discussed that with the hubby to be, and although he was very keen to have kids he assured me that if we didn't have any he would be ok and the 2 of us would be our own little family. Sweet.

Imagine our surprise when I got a BFP just 5 cycles after our wedding! We beat the average couple. I was so shocked, and actually afraid. I think i had kinda accepted that kids were not going to be part of my life. I have a huge fear of pregnancy, delivery and all things medical so being pregnant scared me- I knew this baby was going to have to come out sooner or later! I just didn't expect it to be sooner.
I knew there were risks, so didn't want to tell anyone too early but hubby was so excited and we ended up telling just family. Long story short, when we went for our ultrasound and there was no heartbeat I was just shellshocked. I was so devastated, but I have to admit that when it was all over a small part of me was secretly relieved as well! Thats how fearful I am of delivering a baby!!!!

Fertiles have this innocence that us infertiles have all lost. That excitement on seeing a BFP... We don't get to experience that anymore. We talk about 'if' the baby is born, not when.

I didnt get excited about my 4th BFP which gave me my beautiful live baby girl. I saw the 2 lines and my response: "you've got to be f'n joking, how did that happen? Here we go again" and resigned myself to waiting for the miscarriage, the missing heartbeat, the inevitable bleeding.
And that sucks.

Only thing is.... All that didn't happen for the 4th time. I got a miracle instead.