Almost viable!

Things are hectic... New bubba is hanging in there. I'm 23 weeks, 3 days today. I didn't have amino but have had extra scans which have all been normal so far! We have a little boy growing in there! Next scan is in 2 days to get a better look at the heart. If that's normal then likelihood is that bub is fine (but the docs are very careful to say they cannot guarantee this). My mum passed away on 23rd Nov... 5 weeks after my last post. that ended a very stressful period in our lives, juggling a new job, hubby's job, a toddler, setting up in a new house ( we are still on concrete floors and haven't finished painting) all while trying to be at the hospital as much as possible. Now things have settled down into our "new normal" and we are just missing mum. Every day. Bubba's routine went out the window so now we are battling sleep issues, and having the occasional sleepless night where she is just up for hours! Hope it doesn't last long!! Hubby has developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome so is having surgery this Thursday on one hand, then the next one in early feb... In the hope he will be all healed up before bubba #2 arrives. As for me... Pregnancy sucks! I re- developed nausea at about 20 weeks, felt like I was back in the first trimester. Now I have a bad cold with a terribly sore throat, coughing and blowing and snorting green stuff (its just disgusting), a constant headache and now conjunctivitis as well. I look very attractive (not). The pharmacist wouldn't give me anything other than paracetamol, but now I have antibiotics from the dr so am hoping that sorts me out quick. So that's where we're at...

A bad week

Things are a bit tough around here.. I'm in the middle of another 2ww. Last week I got the results of 12 week screening (which we did at 13 weeks) and this bub is at high risk for trisomy 13 and 18. I'm not doing amino, so the next step is an ultrasound which I'll have done Friday of next week. Trying not to worry as I know it's just a possibility, and it's just as likely (or more than likely?) that bub is fine. We are trying not to worry until we have to, but sometimes that's easier said than done. Other bad new... My mum has been battling cancer for the last 2 years, and now we're getting closer to the end. Doctors can't do much more for her other than pain relief. She has a severe urinary tract infection and got admitted to hospital yesterday, and considered refusing antibiotics, with the thought it would be a nicer way to go to die from renal failure in a week or two rather than the long drawn out cancer death. In the end she bought more time- started the antibiotics, and we'll see how it goes. I think she only has a month or two left. When she's comfortable she'll come home (mum and dad live with us) and then closer to the end she wants to go to a hospice centre. So that's where we're at - a lot of stress but we also have a lot of good in our lives. I have an awesome husband who has been so supportive and helpful and great, and a fantastic mischievous daughter who keeps me laughing, busy, distracted and sane!

Still pregnant!

I have an ultrasound booked for tomorrow, so hoping I see a heartbeat. It's terrifying and exciting at the same time. My hubby is optimistic- I wish I had that confidence, but I swing between feeling confident that all is well to being convinced that there will be no heartbeat. The busier I am the better, cos then I don't have time to think about it or analyse how I feel. Oh the waiting!!!

So far so good

I had some betas last week... 18 dpo my level was 1051, and day 20 it had risen to 2345. A doubling time of about 40 hrs. Pretty good! But I still have those nagging thoughts that all is not well. Yesterday I didn't feel pregnant at all. Until the end of the day when I took my bra off and it HURT! Ohhh the big heavy boobies!! I see my doctor again tomorrow and she will order some more blood tests, and talk about when to do an ultrasound (depending on the blood results). It's all so painstakingly SLOW!!

A squinter

Well I can't quite believe it, but I have a BFP!! Faint but it's there. I'm not actually due for 3 more days but have symptoms so couldn't help testing. It doesn't feel real, and in my experience, a pregnancy certainly does not always result in a baby. So I kinda feel a bit numb. Trying not to get excited but don't want to be too negative. The fear hasn't really kicked in yet! So for now... Just taking it one slow day at a time.

I'm a goose

Yessss well, a couple of hours after my last post I got my period. So now I kinda feel like a silly goose... Again! Oh well, shit happens. Now for the good news.... Today I quit my job! I work 4 days a week, and have been since October. And it's just been wayyyy too much. I miss my bub. I'm tired. I need more time to get stuff done! We might struggle financially a bit, especially since we are building a house, but we just have to learn to cut back a bit on luxuries. And I'll pick up a bit of casual and temp work when I need to. So I'm really happy :-)

Another month, another 2ww

I'm at the end of another cycle. Which means its a month since I blogged!! Yep, pretty hopeless at blogging. Anyway.... Last month I didn't get pregnant. So here I am at the end of another 2ww overanalysing every little twinge and possible symptom. Sore boobs, a bad headache yesterday, slight constipation... All symptoms I had when I last got pregnant. And all premenstrual symptoms as well! So far I've restrained myself from buying a pregnancy test. My period is due today, and I'm constantly checking... But nothing yet! I wish I knew one way or the other ( but feel stupid testing and seeing the negative come up). Lord, give me patience!!!!

A squinter. Maybe?

Well today I an CD 30. And have an average cycle of 33 days. And today I just got too impatient and POAS. Now I wish I didn't! I can't really tell, possibly there's something there, but maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks on me. Surely if it was positive there'd be something to see by now? It brought back all the old feelings of trying for #1, our beautiful girl. So now I don't know what to do.... Pee on another one tomorrow? Or just wait for AF to show up. Probably cheaper to just wait lol!

I think I ovulated

Today... I'm pretty sure I ovulated. I'm not taking temps or doing any formal monitoring, it's just that I'm at day 15... And, well, The signs are there. And we are going to make an attempt (might be too late for this cycle) tonight! I know, I know, I said we weren't going to try anymore. But this train is kinda hard to get off. And it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.....and ignore the fears ..... and take a leap of faith. I've been reading some preggy blogs lately, and you guys are inspiring me! Wish me luck!!

No balance but very blessed

I meant to write for the PAIL monthly topic, and I'm not exactly sure but I think this might be a tad too late. Bub is now 11 months old and I have been back at work for about a month. And I am NOT COPING! I am working 4 days a week, and it is just too much. I might cope better with it if the job were more enjoyable, but it's not that great. But it does mean I have something else to talk about other than my gorgeous baby! And it does pay well, which is why I am there. Financially we cannot manage on just my husbands wage, and our debts especially credit card, are getting worse. I feel I am stuck in this situation for now. I miss bub so much when I am not with her. It feels as if some part of our bond is breaking. She shares her days between her two sets of grandparents, and her bond with them is growing which is sweet to see. But I miss her. I'm disorganized. I forget things. Like sending her lunch with her. Or her pram for the grandparents (they ended up buying their own in the end). I can't get dinner ready on time so for now we get meals delivered (it's supposed to be a weight loss program, but for us it's weight loss plus convenience). Christmas was great, but a blur of food, lots of people, stifling heat, juggling church, 3 meals in different locations, and hiding the fact that 3 good friends bought bub the same (very expensive) present. The best Christmas I've had in years, and I took hundreds of photos. My life is disorganized chaos, but this year I would have to say has been the best year ever, I've never laughed so much, or had such a full heart. So blessed.

Confused

I don't know what to think. Or what I want. I seem to still be subconsciously TTC #2... Taking note of my cycle, watching for signs of ovulating. But not temping, or charting, or peeing on anything. Hubby announced he is happy to stop trying, that he is happy with just the one. He admitted he didn't know if he could cope with two. I kinda feel the same. I am struggling physically with bub, having a bad back, and now she is getting heavier it's getting harder. Hubby loves bub dearly but he's just not as hands on as I would like him to be. I don't know how I would cope physically with two. Or even another pregnancy. Yet yesterday he caught me rubbing/ cradling my boob and instantly smiled a sly wicked grin, announcing that I MUST be pregnant. Because that's what I did when I was pregnant before. He got excited about it. And I have to admit the thought of it made me smile. I'm CD30 but have an average cycle of anything between 29 and 35 these days. So I'll find out soon enough. I thought of buying a test but figured it was a waste of money... My period will come soon enough and then I'll know for free. I don't FEEL pregnant. I really don't think I am. So are we in denial about not trying for another? Or are we just trying to protect ourselves from the pain of trying each month and not getting anywhere? Or are we truly honestly happy to leave things as they are? I really don't know.

MIL

A few posts ago I promised to write about my MIL. Sometimes she drives me crazy, but we've never really had a falling out. She has fallen out with another of her DIL's and I get glimpses of her irrational petty hateful side. I am currently in the good books but can see hoe easily this could change. So far we've avoided it, mainly because I hate confrontation, and my hubby loves it so he takes her on which saves me!! The worst was when bubs was first born, and MIL came in the next morning (we allowed no visitors on the birth day!) with the FLU! To a neonatal ward! She was trying to hide it, and holding my baby. Somehow I came out of my fog enough to notice it (hubby was out playing cricket) and made my excuses that I needed to take her to the nursery for her feed and to get help from the midwife. Then hubby told her to stay away until she was better, and she got all upset accusing us of trying to keep her away. She couldn't understand we just didn't want the baby sick. So irrational. It's never been as bas as that again, but she has little digs occasionally, usually the complaint that she doesnt see us (bubs) enough, that my mum sees her more blah blah blah. They're actually away on holidays for 3 months at the moment so it's nice and peaceful, and I can even say I am missing her just a little. She truly loves my bub and at the end of the day she's not so bad. I am grateful that it's as good as it is. After reading the experiences of others here I realise it could be much much worse!

Time flies when you're not preggo

So I'm not pregnant. Have you ever noticed how time flies when your waiting to get pregnant? Well, sort of. That 2ww can be agonizingly slow but everything else seems to just fly by. We're gearing up toward ovulation time again, day 11 today. I'm hoping my body does all the right things like last cycle when I KNEW I was ovulating. Being pregnant was slow. Counting the weeks, seemed to take FOREVER to finally get my bundle of joy. I realised this week that this coming Monday bubs will have been outside my body as long as she was inside it! She will be 37 weeks and six days old. And that's how long she was gestating away inside. it kinda makes me all nostalgic and more positive about another pregnancy. My mind is shifting from the ambivalence and fear, to more positive and hopeful, and lately I've been able to visualize another little face, a boy, to join our family. Whether that will happen or not time will tell, but its something I have only just started to imagine.

Nearing the end of a 2ww

Im currently day 25 of my cycle, and pretty sure I o'd on day 15. Which puts me at 10 dpo.... I only realised a couple of days ago. Back around day 15 when I was certain that I was going to o sometime soon, I came out of the bathroom and announced to my husband " well if you want another child anytime soon you might want to do me today". Well he needed no further encouragement and as soon as the bub was in her cot he proceeded to business! He is very keen for the second. I am still a bit uncertain and fearful. Today I am fighting a sore throat and cough, and as the day has progressed I have been developing worsening nausea. Already Im paranoid and looking for pregnancy signs, trying not to grab my breasts in public! Sore nipples was always one of my earliest signs that I was pregnant. I don't know when I'll do a test. On a side note.......People seem to comment quite freely about the prospect of me having a second bub. Just this afternoon I was at the pharmacy buying formula and the assistant, after chatting to bub, cheerily bade me goodbye and "good luck with the second one". What's with that????? How does she know that this one is my only bub anyway????? Do I look pregnant already? (well I have been gaining some weight lately but that's more related to the crap I've been putting in my mouth!) Anyway.... Time will tell. I'll know this time next week I suppose!

Another FB pregnancy announcement

An acquaintance and her hubby have just made their big announcement on their Facebook pages. Firstly there was a pic of the positive test with their comments announcing it, then an hour later there was a timeline describing its current size... Raspberry... So now it's nickname is raspberry. Also due date included. Then an ultrasound pic. Then the hubby put it out there that he wants to know what pregnancy cravings ppl have had. Ans today they announced that he's reading what to expect. I'm really happy for these guys, really I am. But do I want a daily or hourly update on their pregnancy? Ummmm nope. If I did I'd find their blog and subscribe to it! Am I being a bitch??? As for me and my news... Obviously I'm not pregnant! But probably not so obviously I'm actually ok with that. I have my hands full with my little miss and I swear she's showing signs of hyperactivity!! Is it possible to see signs of that at 7 months of age? She is pretty full on, cute, busy, loud, happy and loads of fun. Her first tooth started cutting through this week. She loves her food. Doesn't love to sleep too much!! I've read a couple of posts this week from fellow bloggers about troubles with in-laws. Now THAT is a topic and a half. My MIL isn't too bad but there's definitely a few issues. So that will be the topic of my next post...

Back on the TTC merry-go-round

This morning I saw my doc about TTC #2. I just wanted to check with her if she thought I should go back on metformin, as I was on that when I was trying before. Well, it turned into a full pre conception check, and she's ordering loads of blood tests, advising folic acid, and recommending another mmr shot, and flu vaccine. Aaggghhhh!!!! I so don't want to get back on that TTC merry go round. I wish I could just wake up one day and oops! discover I'm six months preggo with a perfect baby. I wish TTC wasn't so stressful. I wish there was a guarantee. I am so blessed with my beautiful baby girl. She turns six months old tomorrow. My ob told me if I want a second, to start trying when she is six months. We're here already? I'm 43 now. I am so fulfilled with just her. I don't need another. But it would be nice, and would be so great for her to have a brother or sister. Am I tempting fate???? Or being greedy?

Ramblings of mothers day by a bad blogger

I've hardly been on here lately. We moved house.... 600km away. We went on holidays- 3 flights ( 2 were 4 hours, one was just over an hour). Bub did great on the plane and mostly slept until our very last descent which she loudly protested against! After the holiday we traipsed 600km back, to clean the house and pick up a last trailer load of belongings that didnt quite fit in the truck! We really need to get rid of some stuff. Now we are just settling in, trying to find a place for everything, and getting to know our new neighborhood. Mothers day was last Sunday, and I really tried to keep it together, but couldn't and she'd a tear or two a couple of times during the course of the day. I still get overwhelmed that I'm a mother. I find tears appearing when I am happiest- when bubs is giggling, and making the cutest sounds, and has me laughing too, and then I'm in tears. It's kinda embarrassing. But they're happy tears. Sunday was more nostalgic tears, grateful tears, and tears for others who haven't been blessed with their little miracle yet. I went to church, and as the newest mother was invited up the front to accept a rose. The minister(female) knows a little of what we have been through, and alluded to this as she congratulated me on becoming a mother... And SHE got quite emotional and teary, which was a bit catching, which once again is kinda embarrassing in front of a couple of hundred people. My mum was sick on mothers day, in hospital for a blood transfusion after her last round of chemo. We cancelled a family breakfast. She was really upset with the timing of her being unwell. For me, mothers day has always been about her. This year it's been strange that it's been about me too. I used to hate mothers day. Now I don't know what I think.

Really annoying fb update

Some things make my blood boil, and a particular facebook update my hubby pointed out to me tonight is one of them!

An acquaintance of ours posted how annoyed she is at the cost of obstetric ultrasounds. WHAT???????????

This follows her pregnancy announcement a few weeks ago when she was 5 weeks along. Omg I could just..... Strangle her. I feel like yelling ( or posting back at her which I won't ) DO YOU REALISE HOW F'N LUCKY YOU ARE JUST TO BE PREGNANT SO EASILY???? She only went off the pill a month earlier. I actually saw her a few days after her announcement and held the congratulatory discussion complete with analysis of her little twinges of morning sickness.

It grates me and hubby just a little more that it's this particular couple... They married a week after us. They have a son, the same age as our first child *would* have been.

And now she's complaining about the cost of ultrasounds :-/

The conception story

I've been thinking a bit lately on how our bub got here.... A year ago I had no idea she would be here with us. How things can change in a year!

But going back to the beginning....I never seemed to have too much difficulty getting pregnant. We got married August 2009, and "tried" for a few months,but nothing happened. My idea of trying then was to be off contraception, and having sex somewhere in the middle of my cycle. I didn't know if I was ovulating or not, and had an old diagnosis of PCOS which I hadn't had investigated very much. I really didn't think we would have kids.

Then in January 2010 (after 4 unsuccessful cycles) I charted for the first time. I had a perfect triphasic chart, with very obvious ovulation on CD 18, and a BFP on CD 30. I was stunned! It looked great. But at our first ultrasound there was no heartbeat and after taking misoprostol it ended.

I had 2 more pregnancies that year, which ended early. I'm pretty impressed that being in my 40s I was managing to get pregnant at all. We were advised to try IVF but I didn't really want to do that, but agreed to clomid in an attempt to ovulate earlier in the cycle. I did that in March last year, but no success. We couldn't do it the following cycle as we were going away on holidays to a remote location, and I didn't want to risk needing medical attention.

So we went on a TTC break, our first for almost 18 months (but kept taking metformin and prenatal vitamins). I stopped charting my cycle, had a few alcoholic drinks, and coffees (after abstaining for the last year) Went on a great holiday where I didn't have time to think about TTC, had fun, relaxed... And yes you guessed it, I came home PREGNANT. I am such a cliche!

AND it was no mean feat since it was an adventure/fund raising bush camping event with 400 other people and we only had a net tent that we shared with a friend. So we did the deed ONCE on the way there, when it rained buckets and we stayed at a friends place and had a bed.... Comfort and privacy! I still can't bring myself to tell my friend that without her kind hospitality, I would probably still be childless! One time, out of the whole 5 week trip. I still am amazed that this has happened, its gotta be some kind of a miracle.

After we were back home, my period was late, so I peed on a stick and literally couldn't believe my eyes at the result! Eight paranoid stress filled months later, after a relatively smooth pregnancy (besides having pelvic separation, and borderline blood pressure issues) and a "fun day" in the delivery ward (in the words of my fav midwife!) our miracle dream girl arrived. That day is for another post....

Immunization day!

This morning bub had her immunisations and I think she was much braver than me! I have this phobia, I think I mentioned before, of reactions after taking medication, so after taking anything I sit there self monitoring for any signs of allergy!

I am all for immunisations. In fact, that is one important area in my (pre baby) work- I work in public health. I see what happens to those who are not immunized, and am grateful for our free immunisation program which some other countries don't have, where babies die from diseases they shouldn't be catching. Part of my job was trying to prevent outbreaks of disease in our region, and I was forever frustrated by people who didn't believe in immunisation. No offense if you don't believe in immunisation, but when you do your 'research' please make sure it comes from a credible source!

So with this in mind, we braved my old workplace, not for a social visit, but for 'business', and the person who is covering my job gave bub her needles. She only cried for a second, and then it was as if nothing happened! That's my brave girl!